Family Pictures from Hell

With all of the family here on Thanksgiving weekend, my mom decided it would be the perfect time for our annual family picture. Is there ever really a perfect time for a family picture? Let's be honest, NO. If your family is anything like mine, pictures usually turn out to be a true test in marital strength, family committment, and the realiability of waterproof mascara. Yikes. My earliest memory of family pictures looks something like this: Mom yelling at everyone to hurry and get ready, Mom yelling at dad for getting home late, being stinky, unshaved and not having time to shower and shave before we leave, Dad swearing at all of us because we're not ready and mom's stressed out at him, so he's got to kick the dog, so to speak. Then there's the frantic drive to Updike or Olan Mills studios, getting pulled over on the way for speeding, (more swearing, more yelling, crying ensues) dad takes a breathilizer and walks in a straight line to verify that he's indeed sober, getting out of a ticket. Then driving even more frantically (this time with mom swearing under her breath and nagging my dad about being a bad driver the whole time). Once we get to the studio (sigh) I'm in the car on the floor of the passenger side getting my bangs teased up to high heavens and hairsprayed once again, and final touches of lip gloss and blush (a la Jon Benet Ramsey) because I didn't put enough on (I was only 4 or 5)... Once inside the studio, Tiffani starts crying because she thinks dad and Ryan are going to hell for swearing and the commotion is proving to be just too much. The picture people look at us and realize that we are not going to be worth thier money and are stressed out because we're late. Rush into the studio, mom takes off her glasses and fakes a great smile, dad's face looks more like a grimace and all of us kids are trying to smile through tears. Or yells. Or whatever. And this barely scratches the surface. Not to mention the RIDICULOUS matching outfits. One year mom borrowed the boys choir outfits (tuxedo shirts, red bow ties and cummerbunds all it tow) and made my dad wear one and we were in dresses to match.

Then there was the year Seth got back from his mission and he complained that he never got to choose outfits, so we wore camo and green and had our shot guns in the picture (Eddy couldn't believe my mom went for that one)

There was the infamous year of all jean (circa 1995) and the bad hairdos,
dad's beard and actually having hair, mom when she had the q-tip hairdo,

and Seth's horrific glasses.

And why stop there? Lest we forget going from Contempo Portraits to Kiddie Kandids at the mall, because they were having a special (I can't blame you mom, it was worth a shot) and having the 15-year-old "photographer" take our pictures. Mom kept reiterating that she wanted it taken from the bust up, to fit the years previous. She said it so many times, in fact, that we all were telling her to please stop already, the kid heard you! Only to come back and review the pictures an hour later to find that they were mostly full body shots. Maybe Jose didn't speak English very well after all. Mom was so upset! So he went and got his "manager", Paco, who was maybe 16 1/2. He came and offered to redo all of the pictures for free, and by this time we were all beyond tired of the family picture day and the kids were in melt down mode. Not to mention the grand kids ;) Aye de mi!
Take a gander at the old gallery and enjoy. Most of these details are accurate, but all probably happened at different times throughout the years. Not all at once. Fast forward to now and mom's calling the individual married families and telling Seth and Claudia that pictures are at 5pm, the rest of us that they're at 5:30 and making the actual appointment for 6pm to ensure that we'll all be there. She's gotten smart in her old age. Additionally, she usually makes me take the whole day off of work to make her look beautiful and to prevent me from being stuck late at work, as usual. Mom and dad have also decided to have a promising reward at the end of the torture, family dinner at a nice restaurant, which is a nice sacrifice from them to all of us. A peace offering, if you will. Truly, family pictures are fun to look at, and even when mom and dad were broke (oh wait- they always have been), mom makes it a priority to have family pictures taken around Christmas of each year. It's actually a great tradition and so fun to look back at all of the changes we've made and additions to our family. This year, I told mom, NO MORE CHEESY STUDIO PICS! I really wanted to pay a great pro to come out and do them for a Christmas present for her. But too much $$$. So I decided, crap, I have a great camera, a decent eye and more artistic ability in my little pinkie than Paco and Jose. We planned on doing them just before sunset on Friday after Thanksgiving at Discovery Park by our house. I made sure to tell everyone to be there an hour before sunset so we could be there on time, arranged and taking pictures by the beautiful sun was descending. I got a call from Seth that he was still in Phx replacing the carpet in his condo, Tiffani and Chad were no where to be found, Jenyce was frazzled because she was watching their kids and hers and Ryan was still at work, too and no one was ready. And this was all at the time we were supposed to be at the park. UGH! Needless to say I was annoyed because we only had the next morning to try again, and the sun would be too bright, so we couldn't use the waterfall that I had scouted out earlier. We met the next morning and I was trying to scout a place with open shade so we wouldn't all be squinting in the direct sunlight. My patience was gone before we even started. No where was there a patch of shade big enough for all of us to be found, and mom and dad were annoyed that I was being so particular and thought I was just being ridiculous. "Take the pictures, already!" They said. I was pretty annoyed at everyone by now (and I'm sure they all were ready to chuck me into the lake) and so I said, "FINE. Here, here, I'm taking pictures. Look!" (I made my dad look into the view finder. Half of the family in shade, him and the other half all squinting in the sunlight. Horrible. Absolutely atrocious.) They realized why lighting does matter, after all. So we did the best we could in bright day light and they turned out better than I thought they would, given the intense back lighting. Here are the best ones of everyone, no photoshopping done or anything. I don't do that yet. Enjoy! Ryan and his adorable girls. They were being so cute that day.

My dad had just got done goosing my mom (a good old fashioned "honka honka") because they were having a hard time smiling after all of the yelling I had just done. So here is my dad's real smile and my mom, too. She just got done hitting him for doing that to her. This was our favorite picture of them, but they hated it because they looked like they had just goosed eachother (wait, they did!). They have real smiles, though, which is why we all loved it.

Nothing like family pictures when you've just had a sweet baby. Here's where photoshop would help...Finally, Lorenzo's real smile. Benji was a champ the whole time, and little Issi, aka "trouble looking for a place to happen" was all over the place. So cute, but so restless.

Oh, and Lorenzo, handsome, Lorenzo. His "smile" was a nightmare. I thought someone had taught him to look like he was in pain taking a dump for pictures to be funny. I guess he actually doesn't know how to smile for pictures. So I started just taking pics of the bad faces he was making, ruining the picture for his family. He's so funny. He got the hang of it, though.

These two were so photogenic the whole time!

My gorgeous sister, her gorgeous husband and the kids I love. They cropped this one in and printed it for their wall. So cute.